Sunday Psalm & Prayer

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• First, some background: I’ve been in active ministry for more than 40 years, both in the local church and in cross-cultural ministry. I have a ThM in Old Testament from a well-known seminary. I’ve studied and taught the scriptures diligently, seeking to emulate the words concerning Ezra (Ezra 7:9,10). I understand that the words of the OT reflect God’s relationship with the man who became a family that became a nation. I know that Israel’s election was to carry out the creation mandate and fulfill the covenant (and calling) given to Abraham, commands in which they faltered and ultimately failed.

  In recent months (years?), I’ve wrestled deeply with my reading of the OT, to the point that it no longer brings me any joy, comfort or wisdom. I’m also exhausted by the tendency of Christians (“professional” ones, especially) to treat OT promises as proof texts for all sorts of life issues. I realize that – for many Christians – there is a great assumption and misapprehension that God promises us “a life that works.” The abundant life = a happy life = a life that “works.” I know and teach what I believe are balanced truths regarding theodicy. Yet, in the midst of this, I can no longer read to OT. I “know” the answers but they don’t help me right now.

  Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
  will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
  This I declare about the Lord:
  He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
  he is my God, and I trust him.
  AMEN, DRAW NEAR TO GOD AND FIND HIM

  For he will rescue you from every trap (I’VE GOT SCARS ALL OVER MY BODY FROM THE TEETH OF FEARSOME TRAPS)
  and protect you from deadly disease. (THOSE I LOVE WHO’VE LOVED GOD SUFFER FROM DEADLY DISEASES.)
  He will cover you with his feathers.
  He will shelter you with his wings.
  His faithful promises [WHICH ONES?] are your armor and protection.
  Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, (I FIND IT DIFFICULT TO SLEEP AT NIGHT DUE TO THE TERRORS FACING THOSE I LOVE–AND ME.)
  nor the arrow that flies in the day. (WE LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE GOD’S WILL IS NOT THE ONLY WILL THAT GETS ACCOMPLISHED. I FEEL I LIVE WITH A TARGET ON MY CHEST WHICH DRAWS ARROWS LIKE BEES TO HONEY.)
  Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
  nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
  …
  The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. (I HAVEN’T BEEN RESCUED; THEREFORE GOD DOESN’T LOVE ME.)
  I will protect those who trust in my name. (I TRUST IN GOD – I THINK – I TAKE REFUGE IN THE “NAME,” YET I’M CERTAINLY NOT PROTECTED. I DON’T PLACE THE FAULT FOR THIS IN GOD. THE FAULT LIES IN THE FACT THAT WE LIVE IN A BATTLE ZONE AMONG CREATURES OF ALL SORTS WHO’S WILLS ARE PART OF THE WHOLE PICTURE.)
  When they call on me, I will answer; (PROVERBIAL ISSUE: I CALL, GOD DOESN’T ALWAYS ANSWER.)
  I will be with them in trouble. (I FINALLY COME TO A LINE I CAN SUBSCRIBE TO WITH ALL MY HEART. DESPITE ALL THE ABOVE ISSUES, I KNOW THAT GOD’S PROMISE IS TO BE WITH ME IN WHATEVER CIRCUMSTANCES I EXPERIENCE.)
  I will rescue and honor them.
  I will reward them with a long life
  and give them my salvation.”

  I truly want to know. How do you read the OT and allow it to do the “open heart” surgery that God’s Word is to do? How can you read it without running the constant dialogue I reflect above? How can I read of God’s work in a person’s life in one verse that follows close on the heels of a command from God to slaughter the infants? Needless to say, I hope you understand that these are real questions for me.

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• Rick,

  I am probably going to ramble here, so hang with me. I truly understand your questions and your heart issues. I have been there myself on multiple occasions. I have taken the scripture and tried to throw it back in his face, as if to say, “If you were real you would not letting me go through this!” or “If you really loved me, you would be taking care of me!”

  I have been at a place similar to Jeremiah in 20:1-6 where Jeremiah feels God has taken advantage of him (the connotation is rape), where I feel God will not let me do anything I want or provide for me, or keep me from going through great heartache or tragedy. I have wanted to dis-believe in God because I saw Him bless everyone but me, and for no reason and with no explanation. I have cursed God, raised my fist to him, and even denied his existence.

  Yet it was in the Psalms that I found comfort. Some think David was bi-polar but I think he was just expressing the reality of life. It was a life that all who are being formed into the image of Christ must go through, one of death to self.

  Also, Rick, I think there is a real sense in which God betrays us. Let me make clear that God never betrays us, but the God which we have conceived in our mind betrays us. It is in that betrayal that we learn about the God who is, not the God whom we have created. Part of being formed into the image of God, I think, is to walk through that betrayed feeling, and possibly on more than one occasion.

  I have had some very dark hours and some very unbelieving moments in my relationship with God. However, coming through all of that, I have actually come to see that God kept his promises, even in the OT. That God really did protect me and provide for me. But not always in the way I thought he would or should.

  I have spent probably 24 months walking through a lot of the questions you have articulated. In fact, it was really only in February or March that I came away with some of what God was doing in my life. During that time period, I cried a lot, yelled at God a good bit, journalled every day and read scripture every day. In fact, I was compelled to read scripture, especially the Psalms, Exodus, Is. 40-66. I journalled my feelings as I read. I would read a chapter and pray about what I read – sometimes angrily and other times with a sense of relief.

  And most of the time through all that, I did not hear from God. He was quiet.

  Galatians 2:20 is very real to me, but one that most people “know” but have not experienced. “I am crucified with Christ, therefore I no longer live but Christ who lives in [through] me.” This must happen in our life. We must die. And that is the point of what I went through, and may be the point of what you are going through. The words have to move from the head to the heart and often that doesn’t happen until we experience the Word and we are removed from control. A Rich Mullin’s song “Hold Me Jesus” has this line: “I’d rather fight you for something I don’t really want, than take what you give that I need.” That was my life.

  In Dec of 2009 I began to hear God again, oh so quietly. Then in Feb 2010, I came face to face with what God had been trying to teach me through those 2 years. And when I came through that, it was as if everything fit into place. It’s now almost October and I am still learning and God has been speaking quite briskly during the past 7-8 months. And I am taking things one day at a time. I can’t explain the past almost 3 years. But I know that in all that God has formed me more and more into the image of his Son, has helped me see what I am not good at and what I am, and shaken up my life in ways that I could not have fathomed. And he is slowing putting me back together and I look at life through a different lens.

  Rick, I don’t know all the details of what you are going through, but I will say this: the questions, the struggles, etc are all part of God’s plan to form you into the image of the Son. Don’t be afraid to ask the questions, to question God, to fight with him. It is only through doubt sometimes that we can really come to believe.

  I have learned that theology is relational, not propositional. The OT is descriptive, not necessarily prescriptive (as is much of the New Testament.) I learned that much of what I would argue about theologically doesn’t really matter. I hold about two handfuls of theological beliefs tightly – the core of orthodoxy – and let other arguments such as women as pastors and alcohol and other things fall by the wayside. (I describe that in a post: http://www.wdavidphillips.com/2010/05/18/where-do-you-end-up/)

  I don’t know if any of that helps, but I would love to continue the conversation…And Rick, I’ll be praying for you and your family…

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