The past two weeks have brought to light the seemingly nefarious nature of various drinking practices that could be construed as heretically religious. These practices have been described as something in which Christians should not participate. I want to raise another issue that needs to be dealt with in the Christian community. You see, taken at face value, I do not believe that Christians should drink coffee.
Why would I say that? Coffee is part of Islamic spiritual exercises. Yep, you read that correctly. Coffee historian Dr. Al Folgers, of Seattle’s Best University, notes that coffee was initially used for Islamic spiritual rituals. According to Folgers, “at least 1,100 years ago, traders brought coffee across the Red Sea into Arabia (modern-day Yemen), where Muslim monks began cultivating the shrub in their gardens. At first, the Arabians made wine from the pulp of the fermented coffee berries. This beverage was known as qishr (kisher in modern usage) and was used during religious ceremonies. Use in religious rites among the Sufi branch of Islam led to coffee’s being put on trial in Mecca: it was accused of being a heretical substance, and its production and consumption were briefly repressed. It was later prohibited in Ottoman Turkey under an edict by the Sultan Murad IV. Coffee, regarded as a Muslim drink, was prohibited by Ethiopian Orthodox Christians until as late as 1889.”
So when Christians are drinking coffee, they are participating in part of the religious practices of a heretical religion, one that is not compatible with Christianity.
Now I know what you are going to say. “Hey, David, I don’t drink coffee as a religious experience. I like the taste or to just wake me up.” However, according to philosopher and theologian John J. Valdez, Jr., “coffee cannot be neatly separated into physical and spiritual dimensions. The physical is the spiritual in coffee, and the exercises where coffee is used are meant to connect with the divine. Even the seemingly innocuous – and often distasteful – instant coffee involves cultic practices.”
Valdez goes on to say, “If you are drinking coffee, must either deny the reality of what coffee represents or fail to see the contradictions between your Christian commitments and your embrace of coffee. The contradictions are not few, nor are they peripheral.”
Coffee is also demonic. Noted pastor Mark Mywords, a pastor noted for his use of MMA submission techniques as part of his discipleship material, notes the following: “Should Christians stay away from coffee because of its demonic roots? Totally. Coffee is demonic,” Mywords said. “If you just brew a little Maxwell House, you’re getting your body ready for a demonic takedown. You need to fill your body with the good fruit of the vine. Have a little Chardonnay instead of sipping on the Sanka. In fact, a little Millstone will be a millstone around your neck!”
Here is something you need to realize: you may be drinking something that was made from coffee beans, roasted, ground up, and brewed in a special pot. But that isn’t coffee. Coffee is not compatible with Christianity.
Good. Really good. Love it. Write more of these.
Thanks Heath. I’m going to try…
WOW!! Good for you for having the courage to say what you did. The Holy Spirit put it upon my heart a few months ago that I should stop drinking coffee. Not because of the “altering the mind” affects, but because it has demonic elements/roots. I never had a clue about what you shared but I thank you so very much for confirming what the Holy Spirit said to me. Let’s ask God to extend greater grace and mercy to our fellow Christians who truly have no idea. I’m just a regular Christian single mom who desires so much more of Him. Thank you and may God continue to shed His wisdom and knowledge upon you.
Surely this is a joke… I would have passed it on as a pretty good laugh, but I’m worried some Christians might take this seriously.
So, if Muslims use cars to drive to mosque as a spiritual practise, that mean Christians have to stop driving to church. We wouldn’t want to get confused and accidentally drive to a mosque. Observing New Year’s Day, solstice, and equinox are also a spiritual events observed by many religious groups for millennia, so we should ignore these dates. Stars are involved in astrology, so let us never again admire God’s creation of the Heavens at night. Also, druids involve trees in their worship practises, so go home and cut down all the Oak, Ash, and Willow trees in your yard.
S.J.,
I did tag it satire. Google “yoga Christian usatoday” and that should explain it.
Your analogy would require coffee clubs in churches that called themselves, “Islamic Prayer Centers”; at which point Dr Al might be quite justified in asking why they call their coffee club an Islamic Prayer Center.
well said and I am happy someone said it, take it from me my father had an ulcer and because coffy is so addictive he died from it. I have also seen and experienced extreme anger and irritability while on caffeine and it should be called what it is a drug. Pharmacaya in original Greek. For those of you that dont know witchcraft. Check it out if you dont belief me, its in the Bible.
ps how many cups do you drink a day mr S.J. Lawson?
Manahministries…this is a joke…It’s a satirical post, not intended to be taken literally.
Right and I am sure you cant go without a cupper as well, call it what you want! Strange people will believe in aliens and a whole bunch of weird things, but the truth they just cant accept, go figure? Anyhow have a blessed 2012, drink coffee if you want but remember your maker!!!!
for a while there, I took it seriously and thought I should make a change in career.
goodbye my Barista path of life. 🙁
One thing I noticed out of all this….Scripture anyone? This is surely a faith issue. One, I was never a Muslim before receiving Christ, therefore my concience is not weak concerning coffee’s history. Jesus said it’s not what goes into the body that defiles but what comes out of it, namely the heart. Again this is a faith issue both personal and public.Personal, because anything we do is to be for the Glory of God…does your concience condemn you, then it is sin to you.And public, because what those stronger in faith approve of should not become a stumbling block to Christians weaker in faith…Paul gave us further insight on this issue concerning Converted Jews who continued to eat only vegetables and those who thought it just fine to eat meat…I’m sure Peter ate pork and gave thanks to God. Also remember the eating of food offered to idols was not condemned if it did not entail ruining someone elses concience. Coffee is not evil in and of itself….however, discretion is advised.
I find this kind of attitude alien- do people genuinely think in this way? I remember at primary school people used to say ‘ you copied me by buying that’- you clearly have not grown out of this primary stage-or shall I say primitive stage- of thinking. How could one deprive themselves upon the premise that the believers of other religions drink it. This defies logic and I am starting to have serious concerns about everyone who says ‘ they are a christian and regular church goer whenever I see such ludicrous sentiments and thought-processes- grow up !!
This is SATIRE… It’s not to be taken literally!
Hi, God warned me 5 years ago though the spirit that if I kept on drinking coffee it would get worse. In these five years I have gone up to 4 coffees a a day, and I cannot stop myself from drinking coffee. Anything that is addictive is demonic even if it has a pretty label or social excepted. I ask for your prayers to be set free from this bondage and ask others to be careful and pay atention to the spirit when he speaks.
[…] a moment of uncontrolled frivolity, I decided to write a piece of satire about the statements made by these two Christian leaders. I decided to take something people do every day (drink coffee) and ask the question, “Should […]
David also understands satire.
This article makes absolutely no sense..? I can’t even tell whether it’s serious from the language and quotes used.
This is satire…a joke, poking fun at a conversation a few years ago about Christians and yoda