NT Wright describes hell as the process of a person becoming non-human. Essentially, it’s a process of dehumanizing. The person exists in an ex-human state, no longer reflecting their maker in any meaningful sense, can no longer excite in themselves or others the natural sympathy so feel even for the hardened criminal.
Salvation is a humanizing process, or becoming what we were designed to be at creation. Jesus was the exemplar for humanity.
If I had to describe the dehumanizing process, it would look like someone with dementia. They lose their identity, forget who they are and often have no idea where they are or what they’re doing. The body breaks down and eventually just stops working.
I’ve seen that first hand and it’s not pretty.
I pray your life is on a journey back to the Garden (now a city lit by Jesus, but once just a garden) where you can walk and talk with God with complete transparency and wholeness.